Update: Nothing Much of Anything

So it's been a month.

My life is being filled up with the predictable: Education and related tasks. Not much of anything is really happening, I'm just living in front of my computer, becoming more and more of a gelatinous blob.

I have been going places and doing things, but not in the last two weeks or so, which makes it feel like I have been isolated, locked in a dungeon with the internet and all of its social media to stave off boredom. Meh.

If you can't tell, I'm looking for something more.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

My anxiety is holding me back from so many things in my life. I can't believe the horrible emotions that flooded over me today.

I felt like I was drowning. I was sweating and shaking, I couldn't keep my voice steady, it wavered so much that my eyes began to well up.

What happens when this vicious cycle begins is very difficult for me to control. Once the wheels are set in motion, I feel flustered and then it only gets worse. I tell myself to calm down, to get a grip, that this is stupid, why can't I control myself, this is no big deal. All of these things have a reverse effect on me. I become more unsteady in my speech, more red-faced, my eyes become nothing but tears, waiting to make me look like more of a fool. So again, I tell myself those lines in a vain attempt to keep it all together... and we are back at the beginning.

This reaction, this horrible emotional spiral keeps me away. Away from things that are amazing, things that people love, things that I could love if I could just calm the fuck down for once. I honest-to-god live my life in avoidance of these situations, or the potential for these type of situations to present themselves to me.

If I for some reason, I am obligated to whatever engagement and I cannot take leave, I will end up sobbing, and a complete disaster.

The thing I hate about all of this the most is when it's over. Now I both look and feel like shit. I have successfully cried off all makeup, my eyes are red and swollen. I want nothing more than to go home and hide under the covers.

Funny thing is though, is sometimes, it's no big deal, I can handle it, and I do. Like a pro.

I didn't cry today, but I was about 30 seconds away from it.

What was I doing that brought this on? Asking questions about joining the gym at university.

I hate that something so insignificant, something so small as asking questions can destroy every and all confidence I appear to have.

My insecurities are going to kill me.

Life in Numbers

It's been over a month since I have written anything. As the summer comes to a close, I find myself becoming more and more excited to get back to college. I was worried that this was going to be another summer wasted, but the past month has been rather fulfilling. If you and I are friends on Facebook or you are following me on Twitter, maybe you know what I've been up to.

1. The Airdrie Air Show. I hadn't seen the Snowbirds before, so this was a wonderful experience. It was disgustingly hot that day, I nearly died. There was a car show as well, 100 cars for 100 years. Most of the Eighties cars didn't even show, my guess is that the owners were too ashamed of them... The Eighties were a bad time for a lot of things.

2. My Littlest Brother came for a visit. Hugh is such a good kid, and I think he is slowly dying inside living at home. He has such a great time here in Calgary with us. The plan is for him to move to here once he had graduated from High School. We went to see Shakespeare in the Park, and did some sweet burn-outs in the Shitmobile.

3. I helped build a roof! Tyler, his father and I went up north to Kinuso to redo Steve's roof. I have to admit that I haven't worked that hard in at least a decade, unless you count the debauchery that the life of a Crystal Meth user entails. But that aside, It was good, honest work. AND there wasn't any internet access, so I also went 7 days without checking any of my Vitals. I only thought about it in the evenings, briefly before I would pass out. Despite not sleeping in my own bed, I slept well.

4. My Birthday. This year, it didn't feel like such a big deal. Tyler bought me a quad-camera, and paid for half of my new bike, a Raleigh with a 3-speed automatic transmission! It's pretty bad ass. I have named it Lee Harvey Oswald. I picked it up at one of those Liquidation Stores here in the city, for less than $200. This is sweet because 8-speed automatics retail for about $1000. The only thing about this bike is that there are no hand brakes, so I'm still getting used to standing on the pedals to stop!

5. My Job. Yes, I still work there. No, I have not grown to like it. I only have four shifts remaining.

6. I am fixing up my Neon. With Tyler's help, of course. On this past Sunday, we spent the day a Pick-Your-Part, pulling pieces off of decaying cars to attach on to my car once again so I can sell it, ASAP. I really like working on it, and I'm good at taking things apart, but we'll see about putting them back together. Reconstructing this car is providing me with the balance that my life has been missing.

Tyler is going to be home from Kung-fu soon, and he's bringing some meat to BBQ. I'm going to husk corn to grill and make up some rice. Guess I'd better get started!

Constructive Summer

Me and my friends are like the drums on "Lust for Life”
We pound it out on floor toms
Our psalms are sing-along songs

And this whole town is like this
Been that way our whole lives
Just work at the mill until you die
Work at the mill, and then you die

We’re gonna build something, this summer
We’re gonna build something, this summer
We’ll put it back together- raise up a giant ladder
With love, and trust, and friends, and hammers (This summer!)
We’re gonna lean this ladder up against the water tower
Climb up to the top, and drink and talk (This summer!)

Me and my friends are like “Double-whiskey-coke-no-ice.”
We drink along in double time; might drink too much, but we feel fine
We’re gonna build something, this summer.
Gonna build something, this summer.

This summer, grant us all the power to drink on top of water towers,
With love, and trust, and shows, all summer (Get hammered!)
Let this be my annual reminder that we can all be something bigger

I went to your schools, I did my detention
But the walls are so gray, I couldn’t pay attention
I heard your gospel- it moved me to tears,
But I couldn’t find the hate, and I couldn’t find the fear
I met your Savior, I knelt at his feet,
And he took my ten bucks, and he went down the street
I tried to believe all the things that you said,
But my friends that aren’t dying are already dead.

Raise a toast to St. Joe Strummer
I think he might’ve been our only decent teacher
Getting older makes it harder to remember…we are our only saviors
We’re gonna build something, this summer

Fuck I love The Hold Steady.

This song embodies everything I want my summers to be, but I fear that they will be none of these things, and it breaks my heart. But just a little bit.

I feel too old for this kind of thing... What has happened to my twenties? I know that they are only half over, but on nights like these it feels like they have slipped by me, and I missed all the things I wanted so badly.

What are the other twenty-somethingers doing these summer nights? Part of me longs for late nights and tired workdays, sunburns and swimsuits, bicycles and beer. Fireworks and photos. Barbecues and bonfires. Where are all of these things?! I don't think these desires are unrealistic of me to long for, yet they seem so unreachable. My unicorn summer.

Over and Out for Another Year

I am so glad Stampede is over. Enough with the drunken debauchery, back to normal summertime things.

I made the mistake of taking the train on Saturday afternoon from the North West, all the way to Chinook, the closest stop to my residence. Downtown was a disaster. It certainly seemed like everyone was drunk; in plaid shirts, boots and hats; and the girls all had too much makeup on. It was one hot, slutty mess of Tokyo Subway.

With Stampede finally ending, I can continue on with my summer of miserable work.

September has never looked so appealing.

Every time I sit down to write the letter I have promised all of you, I find something else to do, or am completely uninspired.

My Apologies, I'm working on it.

New Job

I'm tired.

Working full time is something I haven't done in about 6 months. Yes, it really has been that long. I still have every intention to blog on a regular basis, however, what fragments of a life I do have are wearing me out.

My employment is at a store here in Calgary specializing in products that every crazy cat lady believes their "babies" need. Grain-free food with names like "Salmon, Whitefish and Herring", hand-made-fair-trade-catnip-stuffed toys from Bolivia, corn and wheat litter, water fountains, treats galore.

If I hadn't gotten a raise yesterday, I would have quit already. But I need the money. And being passively-agressively abused for $12 an hour is somewhat better than being abused for $10 an hour.

That is all for now.